This OA meditation I read this morning reminds me that I can be too clever and too smart and too creative. Who knew these could be defects as well as assets?! When it comes to program, I need to get out of my own way and rest in the simplicity of the path laid out for me. I don’t have to figure anything out…just take the suggestions and do that deal. I liked the phrase “compulsive complicators” as a description of how some of us have a tendency to lay down rules or procedures that limit our primary purpose to help the still suffering COE (and this could me myself). It is a good reminder for me. 

Back in 2018 I came across a poster with tear-off strips at the bottom that simply said in big block letters “TAKE WHAT YOU NEED”. The strips along the bottom were things that were self-affirming or might bring comfort or hope to someone. Phrases such as “you are loved”, “you are beautiful, “you have everything you need”, and “it’s going to be fine.” It was this last one that took my breath away. 

“It’s going to be fine” was just what I needed in that moment.

I was spinning emotionally about a family member who I was deeply concerned about. They were struggling and I desperately wanted to go ‘fix’ the situation. But it was a circumstance that this family member needed to deal with on their own and it would have been inappropriate for me, even detrimental to the family member, to get involved. All I could do was love this person and offer them support…and worry. My heart was twisting in my chest and I could feel the tension in my shoulders.

I am confident that my Higher Power drew my attention to this poster. I tore off the “It’s going to be fine” and kept it with me for days. I still have this blue tear-off strip of paper on my end table with my treasured recovery items.

It continues to offer me peace when I am not at peace.

Beyond the promise that it brings, I appreciate its nuance. This phrase does not promise a perfect outcome, nor an outcome of my choosing. “It’s going to be fine” is approachable. It is a release to some expected result. I have often thought as I have picked it up that if the situation, I am struggling with is not fine now…give it time…it will be…it’s going to be fine.

I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always! Amen.

from page 63 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I often read this just to remind me to stay out of my own way and allow my HP to get me through the day. I think one of the keyways of doing this is to be in services, to step outside of myself to do for others. This prayer gives me the steps to do service through HIS WILL and not my own. Allowing me to be share my experience, strength, and hope.

Years ago, on a day when I was feeling pretty discouraged
an older woman I knew gave me a little wooden plaque
with the picture of a funny little person with his scuba
gear. The look on his face said that he wasn’t sure about
which way to go, but the message was just to “KEEP
SWIMMING!”
As I work these 12 Steps, there are MANY times when I am
confused with life and want to give up because of negative
messages that I’ll never have recovery. Fortunately, my
Higher Power, my fellows, my daily readings, all remind
me that if I keep going, keep working the steps, keep
admitting my powerlessness over food and life, I receive
the encouragement to KEEP SWIMMING!!! If I will keep
treading water, moving forward, and trust that what has
worked for others will work for me, I WILL see the
promises of Recovery. If I keep doing the next right action,
pray for guidance and not give in to the obsession, I can,
and will, reach the serenity that comes with this program.
The moral of this little story: “KEEP SWIMMING”!

Coming into this program, I thought that I had an idea of what I was searching for… I wanted to lose 100 lbs., feel better about myself, and find some peace and serenity in my life. I had NO IDEA the journey that I was setting out on, or the miracles that would happen. As I look back on the past 18 months, I realize that, for the most part, I have somehow found two out of those three things that I was looking for and the most important was a re-awakening of a relationship with this Higher Power that is more powerful than I could ever imagine.
I have always had what I would call a strong faith, but it was more of a surface belief that, if I did the “right thing” then I would be rewarded. I have come to see and understand a new realization of the ways this Higher Power shows up in my life everyday of my life… the trick is whether I choose to recognize those places that occur daily.
• It happens when I see those “holy coincidences” that happen without any of MY direction and planning.
• It happens when I listen to others who are further along in this program so that my hope will be renewed.
• It happens when I accept life as it comes and see that “it is what it is” for a reason, and then looking for what I need to learn from it.
• It happens when I see the power in this community of persons who are vulnerable and willing to be honest.
• It happens when I reach out to another person when I am on a low ebb, and in that reaching out, I find the comfort that I used to look for in food.
• It happens when I read a message in the Big Book that I absolutely need to hear at that moment.
• It happens when I step aside and allow this Higher Power to lead me and guide me to the next step.
• It happens when I recognize that I do not need to have all the answers… I only must trust that I will be shown the next step in the journey.
I am grateful for being led to this community that is often more honest and real than any other community I have experienced before. It is such a relief to believe, at least most of the time, that God will work it out the way it should work out. I am GRATEFUL….

“Life is a CONSTANT recycling process”

“Life is an ongoing adventure”

The longer I am in this program, the more I am coming to understand that it is a Process and not a DESTINATION. Most things I have done in life, I have always had this philosophy that if I take on a project, I begin, I work on that project, I finish the project and move onto something else.

I have been told that “if you want to change, you must accept that it will not happen on a timetable that I SET… rather, it will happen when my HP sees that it is time.  My pre-arranged agenda should be to follow the instructions and enjoy the adventure.  Whenever I fight that pattern, I only feel disappointed and disgusted with myself, and I end up feeling like a failure, resentful, and angry with myself.

I am finding a better understanding of SUCCESS… it doesn’t mean that I finish the race, but rather that I continue to do what is necessary to persevere.  The analogy that “lie is a constant recycling process” now is making more sense to me… it means that I consistently sift through my days, keeping the life-giving moments and actions, and let go of what I no longer need.

The idea that “take what you need and leave the rest” helps me to sort through my feelings and actions, in light of what my HP has planned for me, and then deciding which pile I will put them.  Will I save or keep them, will I give away and let go of, and what I am not quite ready to say goodbye too.

These are the twelve Steps for me….

What are my character defects? I don’t mean the list including selfishness, control and jealousy. I mean what are they? What do they mean to me? They are my weapons and my shields. My offense and my defense. They help me keep people at arm’s length before they can hurt me. Kill or be killed. As I work the steps, I find I don’t need these characteristics any longer. As long as I trust in God as my Higher Power to love me and guide me, I don’t need the shields and I don’t want the weapons. I want to be humble, not prideful. Generous, not envious. Empathetic, not judgmental. And have faith, not control. My defects were my solutions to real and perceived problems before I started working the steps. Through these steps and my OA fellows, I can see a better way of living. I don’t have to project my fears on to others. I don’t have to assume I know what they think of me or even be concerned about it. I care what my Higher Power thinks of me and I know it’s good. I only need to be concerned with what His will is for me. I ask God to take away, relieve me from my defects of character so that I can live the life He wants for me and live as an example of His love, compassion and grace.